Today I thank God for my children for the first time of my life. I struggle 10 years to raise them. Today I realize that without them I will not be so close to God. Without them, I do not need to fast two meals per week, meditate and pray many times each day, and I might not need God’s help to deal with my life.

Yes, three children push me to my limit of love, patient and kindness. I am mad, angry and frustrate whenever I felt tired. Yet I pray and pray, trying to get close to God so I will have more love and patient toward my children. I finically realize that I benefit from the struggles. I am a different person.

Hershey Park

After I took three rides with my sons in Hershey Park, I felt dizzy and want to throw up. I decided to give up the idea to try everything and show my children how brave their Mom was.

I still remembered that I rode a roller coaster in Great adventure a few years ago. I was scare and prayed so many times during the ride. I felt I would drop off from sky and be died any minute. After that ride, I still wanted to challenge myself to try different rides even though I never enjoy it. I was try to prove that I was brave.

God gave me different perspective while I was resting in Hershey Park. I need to accept who I am. I am not a person who enjoys physical excitement. Then let it be. I do not need to push myself to take all those rides that make me scare and sick.

I was glad my children enjoy and excited about all the rides. I enjoyed the shows. By the end of the day, I had to say that I rather fast whole day and spent time with God than in Hershey Park.

Thanks God for helping me to understand myself a little bite more. I realize that the most important thing above all is that my relationship with God. Other things are not so important.

Many days I want to write and share about my encounter with God. However, I have too much pride when I share about them. I do not think God is happy about it. My spiritual journey is about God and me.

You can have your own spiritual journey with God if you trust God with your life. You start it with a prayer.

If God wants me to share, I will. If no, I will obey.

What kind of life do I want?

Life without any challenge is boring. After I rest two weeks, I started to miss the classes and reading. I am graceful that God sent me back to school. Otherwise, I have to find a job to keep myself busy. On other hand, I cannot handle too much stress.

So what kind of life do I want? I really do not know. I think I am on the process of
finding out. Thanks God! He knew exactly who am I. He planed my life according to who I am.

lost weight

Since I do not need to study anymore, I go to jazzercise to do dance exercise. I did the aerobic exercise one hour for two days so far. My whole body felt sore. My goal is that I can tone up my whole body and decrease my waistline for next two month. For past three month, I need to sit and read books. Every Saturday, I brought lot of snack to class, chocolate, nuts, apple, hot drink and cold water, cracker, raisin. After three month, I have hard time to fit in my pants. I need do exercise to lose extra weight.

I wonder what would be like if we are out of shape spiritually.

Thanks God

Today is teacher-parent conference day for Ethan and Nathan. I am always worried about Ethan. He looks tiny compare to his classmate and students might pick on him. I mentioned my concern with his teacher. His teacher told me that I do not need to worry about that. Once he reported one incident on bus to his teacher. His teacher sent him to principal. Ethan told principal how other boy hit him. When I went back home, I told him I was very proud of him. We had short conversation:

Ethan: Mom, do not worry about me. I knew how to protect myself because I learned from you.

Me: What did you learn from me?

Ethan: I knew God is on my side.

His answer touched my heart and almost made me cry. Yes, I do not have to worry about him too much anymore because he has faith on God. He knew how to depend on God when I am not around to protect him.

It is so hard to be a mother. Most of time I do not know how to guide them. However, I pray for them and ask God help. It turns out ok. Thanks God!

Sharing

I cried while I led Sunday morning prayer meeting. It felt so good that I could cry in front of brothers and sisters. It is healthy way to express my feeling. If I feel down, I do not need to pretend I am happy. I want to be honest with myself.

Of course, our brothers and sisters prayed for me. Guess what? I felt great yesterday and joy flow out my heart. I even enjoyed to write my two final papers last night.

Yes, our family sacrificed some family time while I go to school on Saturday and Wednesday night Bible study. All those papers made me crazy. I do feel overwhelm sometime. However, God allow me to experience His love at different level. It is all worthy. God love me and bless my family in so many ways for so many years. It is honor to finial have chance to serve Him and push my limitation for Him.

A Special Day

Our Honda pilot needs 3000 miles maintenance. It will takes 4 hours to do that. Honda rent a black Doge car for me and it is free. I was so excited to drive another car. I forget to bring the broken car key to Honda to get fix. I had to pick up the key and go there again. After I drop off the key, I went to close by library. I found out that I forget my cell phone. I had to drive back home again. In case, Honda calls me to pick up the car.

Well, I just realize that I like the experience of driving different car. It is somewhat boring to drive the same car everyday. Today is a special treat from God. Since I run around so much, I decide I will take a break from studying today. It is so nice to enjoy a day without reading any textbook and drive a different car. Thank God!

God's blessing

I always think that I go back to school for God. I can equip myself to serve God and others in a better way. Now I realize that I benefit a lot from the knowledge I learn in school. I am able to analysis my family structure and myself. My life and my family life both improve by it. I want to use by God. In return, God bless me because my willing heart.

This is a special bless. Yes, it is painful and joyful at same time. It is painful because I found out my problems. (I finally know I have problems as everyone else. I used to think I am so close to perfect.) I am joyful that I can deal with my problems since I know it. My life will be in constant improvement. I don’t know why but I always want to be better. I believe with God help, I can be better in so many ways.

God's encouragment

Whenever I write a paper for school, I always feel I am not good enough. I was kind of down on Saturday morning on my way to school. Guess what? When I got school, I checked my mailbox. Here came God's encouragement. I got my first paper back with 10 points (full points). I felt God say to me that I can do it. I felt much better.

My whole body reacts to my stress about the paper. I started to scratch my head and some part of my body. My face’s skin was cracked up. It is sound crazy. I am very graceful about all that. God try to tell me I have too much stress and I need to relax. I asked God to show me a healthy way to relax. I used to shop to release my stress. I think it is not good idea and need to find better way.

Relax

Praise the Lord! I finished another paper.

I tried to relax myself by shopping for a handbag. I was so happy that I did not buy anything. Actually, I really do not need another handbag.

I still have hundreds pages of books need to read. I decided that I need take a break today. Life with too much stress lost its color. Sometimes I need to rest and do nothing.

writing a paper

Every time I write a paper for class, it is such painful experience. I need put ideas into words is like give birth to a baby. Then I need to face my grammar errors when Danny proves read my paper. For many many times, I wonder why I do that to myself. I can just be a housewife and live a comfortable life. Once again, the calling that God give to me come to my mind. I have to continue no matter how hard the journey is.

Again, I will experience another miracle from write half of pages so far to 3-5 pages tonight. Danny will prove read my paper tonight. Tomorrow night he need go to Stony Brook. The only thing I can do is hold on to God. "God, help me!" Then I will wait until the words come to my mind. The good thing is that God want me to go back to school. I am sure He will help me this time again.

Sharing

I go to CCF prayer meeting twice a week. I remember I used to go to prayer meeting everyday when I was a student. I enjoyed the gossip at beginning; later on, I sensed the importance of prayer until now. It feels like yesterday I was one of the students. Now I have three children. Being back at my spiritual birthplace. It just feels so comfortable. I learned and equipped myself during my college year. I am continue to learn and grow right now.

I think I get the idea of keep improving myself from my father. My father teaches me so many important life lessons. I take one class about family and marriage counseling and need make a family genogram. It is about 3 generations of my family background. I found something very interesting. I learn that my father never meet my grandfather until I was born. It is hard to believe without a father figure in my father’s life. He still becomes a great Dad. My grandfather and my uncle have bad temper. My father witnesses my uncle and neighbors physically abusive toward women. My father thinks it is wrong. He decided he would not follow their bad example.

When I analysis my family background I was worry that the bad temper runs in the family. I might get it. I do feel I get angry easily after I have my children. My father’s sharing reminds me that it is my choice to act angrily or gentle. My decision is I want learn to be gentle with God’s help. My father can control his temper by himself. I have more chance to success with God’s help.

Going back to school and find out so many things about my family, and myself it is somewhat painful. I think I need to deal and struggle with my own issue in oder to guide others to deal with their issues.

Sharing

I am benefit from the preparation of the retreat. I found out something about myself. I think I am a dreamer and thinker. I had so many ideas when Mei and I talked about the retreat. After I contributed my ideas to the program, I almost totally forgot about the detail after a few days. When someone asked me about the detail of the program, my mind went blank. At beginning, I was worry about my memory lost. I think it is a sign of getting old. Then one day I realized that this is the first time I participate to organize an event. I am not multiple task people and used to do one task such as small group leader.

The question for me is that should I try again multiple task position next time or focus on one task.

No matter what answer is. I always have wonderful experience from serving God and find out the hidden blessing. The most important thing above all is that I knew my God love me and I love my God.

My struggle

I never thought that being spoil by my parents have negative outcome. On Sunday, My parents brought many kinds of fruit for me again. (Kiwi, blue berry, orange, apple. Grape fruit). This is the first time I felt overwhelm by their love. They are over 70s. I suppose take care of them. I should buy fruit for them. However, I really do not know how to take care of them after all those years being serve by my parents. Their love makes me feel special but also self-center. God told me a few times about self-center issue. He told me again last Saturday in family and marriage counseling class.

Now what should I do? Should I tell my parents I need to grow up and stop treat me like baby. Is it a good thing to do?

This is the time I need the best counselor-Jesus’ advice. This is what I love about being Christian. If I take time to pray, God always tells me what to do.

busy life

I was so busy this week. On Tuesday, I spent 3 hours to volunteer to help a family who have six children. When I was there, I washed dishes and hold three babies (triplets) and one two years old in terms. Their father is in military and not around.

On Wednesday, I shopped 3 hours for Hannah's Chinese School raffle gifts for Chinese New Year celebration on Friday. The reason I did it because no one want to do it. As a Christian, I think I need to do it. I don’t think I will do it next year.

I felt I was pulling into different directions and did not have time to focus on the most important thing--my study. Last Saturday, a professor clearly says that we should drop everything and focus on study. It will be only short period about 3 to 4 years. I think it is good advice.

Since I could not study at home, I went to library today. I was fasting in the morning and I just broke my own record that I studied 3 hours without a break.

Every night, Danny watched me closely and make sure I study. It is funny. Even my father never does that to me when I was little. I think he really know me (I could be lazy sometimes) and I need someone to push me a little.

Ways

The fasting turned out as what expected. I am not angry anymore but I still have some struggles inside. I need God’s help and some quiet time to figure out.

Yesterday a friend who is Korean and Christian invited me to lunch at her house. She told me Korean churches have daily worship service. She attends everyday at a close by Korean church. I wonder what kind of impact it will have in a Christian life. It must be good for spiritual life.

God told me something in my friend's house. There are many ways to get close to Him. Do not limit myself to only few ways. Before that lunch, I thought I found out most of way from one of book I read last semester. (Such as fasting, meditation, prayer and study....) When my friend told me about daily worship service, I realize this is another way. I guess even I use my whole life to explore; I might still not found all the ways. I need God help to learn other ways to get closer to Him. Meanwhile, I will just practice what I knew right now.

There are always higher spiritually levels waiting for us to explore.

Who want to fast?

Today I have to fast for one meal becasuse my heart is far away from God. Then my dark side started to take control of me. I was so angry toward my children last night for no reason. Fasting help me shut the door from outside world so I can focus on God. I will get many benefits by getting close to God. I will have more love, wisdom, strength and joy and it is my "spiritual Coffee". Without it, my life is like black and white TV.

Fasting is always partner with read and meditates God's words and prayer. Today I am going pray for retreat and Sunday school. I need prepare my heart and make sure I did what I need to do for retreat. Teaching Sunday school need wisdom to understand God's words and teach in a create way.

I bet after the fasting I will be refresh, happy, smile a lot and feel good about myself. I will even look prettier.

Three free days

I have three more free days and I will start class on Saturday. I really enjoy the time I spend doing nothing. I can watch movie whenever I want and no need to read hundreds and hundreds pages of books. I have to say good-bye to all that.

On other hand, it is kind of boring to do nothing. Life without learning and improving does not fit me. So I think I am ready for another stressful and challenge new semester. With God help and other's prayer, I should learn a lot.

Days without Danny

My plan about how to spend 6 days without Danny, it turned out fine. The two nights that I spent in my parents’ apartment were so hot. I almost became “dry meat”. It was 83 degree. The first night, I would not fall asleep. I thought about an escape plan. I should go to my sister apartment next day. Then I saw how happy my parents were to see my children. I decided to experience another hot night.

Sunday and Monday were the days I enjoy most. Three sisters in our church came to sleep over. They cooked and played with my children. They were amazed me by how much love they had. That was my mini vacation. Of course, we shared and prayed.

Danny and I made a rule two years ago. Any Christian come to our house have to share and pray with us. At beginning, it is hard to ask. Now, it is naturally come to that special time. Without that prayer time, I felt missing something.

shopping

After the daily devotion, I sensed that I need to go to Old Navy. I have very special connection with Old Navy. Whenever the store is on sale, I can sense it. Although I try to figure out this kinds of sense is blessing or temptation. Guess what? Today is 75% off. It was hard to say no to on sale clothes.

Taking about shopping, I think I improve a lot over the years because I prayed about it. I used to shop because I had nothing to do and I went to shop every week. Now I shop because the children need clothes and it is on sale. I am working on it. One day, I might shop only when need it. I have to remind myself that I only have one body. How many clothes do I need?

I think being a Christian, not only we need keep inside beautiful(deal with our sins) but also outside too. Sometimes when I wear something I like, I felt good about myself. I still try to figure out what kinds of cloth I like. 90% of my clothes are from my sister. This is frustrating me that I do not know my own style.

For my own benefit

I thought about the reason for writing. God told me that it is a way to help me understand myself. I am thankful.

After I went back to school, I start to change somehow. I used to like soft Chinese worship music. Now I like fast beat and loud worship music. I am also become very outspoken, pushy and aggressive. I have so many ideas about lot of things. I don't know who I will become. However, I like the change. Maybe the real me is hiding inside and waiting to come out.

I need our heavenly Father's help to develop the new me. I am really thrill to experience the way God work on my life right now.

Some thoughts

Whenever I am writing for Blog, I ask myself what I am doing. One year ago, I felt so shameful to write anything because my writing skill. One year latter, I share my thought in writing form with brothers and sisters. I was so amaze that God use my weakness to serve Him.

Sometimes I wonder how long I need write like this. I guess it is up to God. I think my writing serve a purpose I might not know why right now. Well, it doesn't matter. I am sure God know what am I doing. That is what matter to me. It is to serve Him and please Him.

I realize that in order overcome my weakness, the first step is to admit it and share with someone. Then, I asked others to pray for me. The most important of all is that I got help from my heavenly Father.

Facing own weakness would be painful. However, denying could stop us from growing and changing. When we see our weakness, it mean God think we ready to deal with it. We should go for it.

Are you trying right now?

I think my spiritual journey is like climb a mountain and I started it with a willing heart. I keep climb and climb because I knew the higher I go the closer I will be with God. I don't want to stop at one point for too long because I want to explore the higher level of closeness with God. It feels so good.

During the years I try to get close to God, God teaches me many ways that help me grow spiritually. This is what I love about the journey that there is always something new to learn and experience.

If your life is too boring, you can give your life to God. In addition, wait and see what will happen next. It only takes a willing heart; you will have a very excited journey. However, without daily devotion, I don't think it will work.

Warning: You might take a few months or years to experience the excitement. It all depends on God's plan. I think it is worth.

15 mintues walk with God

Today is so warm. I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. The feeling of sunshine is so comfortable. I love walk alone. It was special time I spent with God. I talked to Him and I looked up the blue sky with some white cloud. It was as if the sky was a piece of paper and God draw picture on it. I sensed God's greatness. For some reason, whenever I look up the sky I felt close and connect to God. I was aware of God's peace and love surrounds me. It was such joyful moment.

dark spot

The first day of my class, my professor say something very interesting. She warned all of us that we will find and deal with our dark spot(sin) before we become a counselor.
She was right. I started to find more and more dark spots.

I found one last night. It is called self-center. Since Danny is going to fly to Hong Kong next Wednesday, I form an emergency plan for myself. My plan is I will stay with my parents on Friday and Saturday night in Chinatown apartment. My sister will help me to take care the children on Saturday. I felt that when I need help. My parents and sister should drop everything and help me out.

God told me that the way of my thinking is self-center. When I think about it, it always my need come first. I guess it relate to the way my parents spoil me. Both of my parents are over 70 years old. They still treat my like I am a child. On Saturday night, they would call me and ask me what kind of fruit I want or what dish I want to eat. They will prepare it and I can pick up on Sunday. It is feel good but is it suppose the other way around.

I always like to find my dark spot. When I find it, I will deal with it. I won't allow the dark spot live too long in my life. With God's help, I have 100% overcome rate. I will become a better Christian. It makes my life interesting.

When I see brothers and sisters try to come to Sunday school and service on time, It give me encouragment that we are all try to change for better. When we are trying, our church will be different.

learn from my mistake

On Saturday, we rented a movie in a machine located inside the path mark. Danny and I normally won't watch any movie on Saturday night because we need get up early for Church. This movie rental was temptation to us because it was such good deal and only cost $1 for one night. We decided to watch it on Saturday night.

The movie wasn't that good. By the time, we finished the movie it was around 11:30. It was not that late. However, I forgot that it would take me two hours to fall asleep after movie. That's one of the reason I hardly watch any movie on Saturday night. Of course, I didn't have a good sleep that night. I was tired on Sunday morning. During the worship time I couldn't concentrate and didn't enjoy that much.

Why I was so foolish? I know the result from my action. I still wanted to do it for $1. I guess this experience will remind me for next three month or longer. I pray that I won't do it again.

I am graceful that God always protect me in a special way. He set limit for my body. If I can watch movie and fall asleep right way, I might chose watch movie all the time on Saturday night. I won't prepare my heart for next day.

I am sure that God love us the same way. God might protect you in someway. Do you know? If you don' t know please ask God to tell you and thank God for it.

why me?

I will take two classes next semester. One is Counseling and human development. Another one is marriage and family counseling foundation. I got one book for marriage and family counseling class and start to read it. The book overwhelm me. It describe the fighting within a family during the counseling session.

I start to wonder why I have to deal with people's problem. Can I just live a happy life with my family? Can I just leave people alone and they leave me alone? Then God remind me my calling. How much He love me! He want me serve people who deal with problems because He love them.

I cannot say no to God. I can only pray that God give me more love. so I can love others. It is not easy for me. I am still a selfish person. I need God do some counseling work on me before I become a excellent counselor.

loneliness

I felt loneliness for a few hours last night. It was such interesting experience. I have three children. I always want to be alone. When I felt loneliness, I wonder where the loneliness came from. Is it from outside? My children always around me. Is it from inside? It is true I didn't spend enough time with God for past week because my children were off from school.



I wonder if social life can help the loneliness. I asked a brother in church. He said he felt lonely. How could that be? There are so many brothers and sisters in church. I still didn't figure out why. However, I understand why brothers and sisters want to spend a lot of time together. It is good for psychological well being of individual. It is call social support.



If loneliness come from inside, social life won't help. It is possible that loneliness is part of life. If we are close to God, we might have less time experience it. It will always in our life.